Depression is a monster that steals ambition, motivation, and time. It whispers lies into your mind and deceives you into believing that you are more worthless than the air you breath. It doesn’t work alone either. It enlists the aid of self-doubt and careless words spoken by others to paralyze you into doing nothing.
If anyone out there can relate to the sentences above then you will understand what I have been going through for a while. I hope I am now on the other side of it. I have done a lot of stupid things over the last three years to try and feel better; most of which only made things worse.
Three years ago I was asked to leave a company I had been at for 17 years. The manner in which it was done was more hurtful than I thought I could endure. What hurt even worse was some of the people I had great respect for during those years turned their backs on me. Out of thirty some people I worked with only 2 ( who are now no longer with the company) ever called.
I spent the first year semi-focusing on my writing, hoping it would bring some finances in. It turned out to be a total bust. I could write and with the help of the credit card, publish. I couldn’t market to make any of the money back.
The next year on the advice of a friend I went further into debt to purchase equipment and started a woodworking shop making wooden toys. That year I made up about half my investment. It was also the year my wife came down with breast cancer. That took almost a full year to battle. After 6 months of chemotherapy, double mastectomy and 7 weeks of intense radiation she is doing fine. Have you ever watched a loved one go through agony and you can’t do anything about it?
I finally gave up trying to make a living on my own and took on two jobs in October 2014. I held both until May of 2015 upon which I took a leave from the early morning one to try and focus on woodworking with a new product line for the summer’s farmers markets.
I did okay with the markets, but not enough to break even. Doubts and thoughts of failure resounded in my mind again. Yes, the thoughts of ending it all did whisper to me. I think it was the love for my wife that kept me from doing anything drastic. I also find that I am aging and have normal aging issues that added to the depression
During all this time, I did write, but not to the volume I had done in the past. The result was the publishing of book 3 of my series and last week book 4.
Two weeks ago I went to a seminar on book marketing. It cost me an additional credit card expense. Why is it everything has to cost? Some of the things I learned in the seminar are things I had started doing, but not in the way they suggested. It also opened up some new avenues to go down. That is what I have been doing since taking the seminar.
I have reworked my book websites, made adjustments on my writer’s site, joined a couple of facebook groups and started tweeting again.
I am treating my writing like a job. I get up around 6:00 am and outside of eating breakfast work until 9:30 am. I don’t allow myself to do anything with anyone else during this time. The focus is on writing and marketing what I write. I am doing this on the advice of a blogger I read. She said until you think of it as a job, you won’t treat it seriously and do it. I enjoy my work at the UPS Store, but my real desire is to write and to make a living writing.
I would love to have feedback on my blogs.